Am I Really Leaving?

I just landed at DCA and as the plane was descending, I couldn't help feeling a bit nostalgic at the idea as I overlook the city lights of this place that means so much to me -- that carries with it so many laughters and tears, hopes and disappointments and dreams -- a place which once I feared of one day leaving, a place where I came to know the Lord, the turning point of my life from one that is dead in sin to one that is alive by the grace of God!

As I land, I know that from here on out, I would be preparing to leave as going to LA was a marker for the next season as I informed my family of my plans and spent time with them.

I felt my heart descended with the plan at the thought of leaving.  I am excited about the prospect of serving the Lord in a different context, but also sad to think of all the things I am saying "Good-bye" to.

Is it really true, am I really leaving?  How do people do it?  How will I do it?

Being watchful in it with Thanksgiving...

Have you ever prayed for something and have forgotten that you've ever prayed for it because it was not answered at the very instant?  I remember a few years back, a good friend of mine pointed out that Colossians 4:2 says "Continue steadfastly in your prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving."  We were talking about the watchfulness that was called upon in our praying that is an evidence of our confidence in God to hear and answer our prayers. 

To be honest, I am not often very watchful -- and even if I was in the beginning, time often wears me out as I don't see the Lord answering right away in the way that I've asked.  So, I give in to thinking that the Lord is absent or uncaring -- which can lead to prayerlessness, or prayers that are not characterized by faith, but just moving with the motions and formulaic.

This past week, it strucked me as I was reflecting on this past year and the things that the Lord is currently bringing me to how He has been working all along behind the scene.  When I quite teaching, one of the things that I was hoping for in my new job was a job that would allow me to think regularly outside of the job and also look into opportunities of going overseas -- when I was teaching I only thought of those things during spring break or summer vacation and just enough to bring me to the beginning of a new school year.  As the Lord seems to be opening up an opportunity for me to go overseas very soon, it suddenly occured to me that my current job is an answer to prayer and this new opportunity is the result of the Lord working through all those different circumstances to bring me to what I asked Him for.

I was humbled to think that this whole time, I was working (and sometimes complaining) at my job, the Lord was working behind the scene to get me to this point.  I was also ashamed that I was faithless in thinking that the Lord would answer, how the timing would be perfect and how I learned other things that I didn't even anticipate along the way.  It was a good lesson for me to learn especially as I fret over so many different things in my life, hopes deferred, that my finite mind and faithless heart have concluded that the Lord doesn't seem to be answering.  I needed to be reminded of the call to continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful -- and not only that but with thanksgiving -- because we know that our good and loving Heavenly Father will only bring about good into the lives of His beloved children!  I am His and He cares for me, even in ways that I am not aware of my need for caring.

Thankfulness

Have been MIA for the last almost 6 months as life has been taken up by ... well, life.  And though there were many times when I thought, "I should post something," those times passed and ... nothing.  But this morning, I felt this urge to post something as I have been thinking a lot about being thankful.

Yesterday, I had one of those days where life just seems to require more energy than I've got and after my chiropractor appointment, I was reflecting on one aspect of our conversation where he was encouraging me to believe in myself and love myself more.  He is not a believer so I wouldn't count on taking his counsel in full but what the Lord did do was to use that to show me how I was carrying the posture of negativity.  It was not one of those lightning flash moments since I am quite stubborn and I was at my own pity party for the rest of the afternoon.  But the Lord did not give up on me and kept bringing that to my mind along with this verse...

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I have not been doing that.  On the contrary, I seemed to "grumble always, and complain in all circumstances."  And it is so easy to give in to complaining, especially when I think that life is not the way that I want it to be.  But the message that I am sending to others in my complaining is that the God that I proclaim to believe and find hope in is not all that good and that the things that He sees as good is not worth giving thanks for.  It was also interesting for me to reflect on how something that I was thankful for at one time (when I first got it) can slowly turn into something I complain about -- how sick is that?

In my battle to grow in thankfulness, I hope to be consciously finding things to be thankful for in my life's specific circumstances as that is often the area I am blinded to. 

• So, today, I am thankful for my job -- it is not stressful, my co-workers are kind and pleasant and to be able to work with Jason who has been patient and forbearing with me even in my moodiness and independence.  I am thankful that it is a job that is "self-contained"  and allows me to invest more in the life and ministry of the church -- as I was praying for.  It allows me to have lunches with people from church or elsewhere.  It allows me to live here financially and has helped me to think more carefully about my time and my money -- as it seems to have given me the flexibility of directing them more.

Here's a song that came to mind:

My Heart Is Filled With Thankfulness

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who bore my pain;
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace
And gave me life again;
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness,
And clothed me with His light,
And wrote His law of righteousness
With power upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose every promise is enough
For every step I take.
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who reigns above;
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,
Whose every thought is love.
For every day I have on earth
Is given by the King.
So I will give my life, my all,
To love and follow Him.

To love and follow Him.

Copyright ©2003 Thankyou Music

Moving from the Land of the God Won'ts

Are there circumstances in your life that you feel would always be the same -- things that you have desired for the Lord to change for so long (maybe a persistent sin struggle or a season in life or a growth in a particular area of life) and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and you find yourself retreating to the mindset of the "God won't"?

Recently, I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Bev, regarding this very thing -- that out of protection from disappointment, it seems safer to live in the Land of the God Won't.  Imagine having a plot of land that you've been tending and yet, nothing seems to be growing.  Wouldn't you be tempted to move to the dessert where it is actually normal for nothing to grow there?  The problem is, this land is quite barren of joy and hope.  Bev challenged me to live rather in the Land of the God Might Not.  At first glance, this land look very similar to the Land of the God Won't for it doesn't promise growth either.  But as Bev pointed out, there is hope in this land as one submits to and wait for what the Lord might do rather than being the judge of what the Lord won't do -- and then be bitter about it.

I've been reading Micah in the mornings and this tiny book in the OT is filled with so much good truth and hope (sadly, to my surprise).  Micah was living in a time where he would want the circumstances around him to change as he witnessed rampant disobedience, oppression and injustice both within and without the community of Israel.

Here are some of the descriptions of vain toil as judgment on these people in their sin:

"You shall eat, but not be satisfied, and there shall be hunger within you; you shall put away, but not preserve, and what you preserve I will give to the sword.  You shall sow, but not reap; you shall tread olives, but not anoint yourselves with oil; you shall tread grapes, but not drink wine."  Micah 6:14-15

And yet, in the midst of such dire circumstances (very apparent to be brought forth by the Lord who controls the rain and the plants and all), Micah lives in the Land of the God Will...

"But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. " Micah 7:7

Reason?

"Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance?  He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love.  He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot.  You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.  You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old."  Micah 7:18-20

When I live in the Land of the God Won't, I misunderstand God's character.  I see Him as a stingy taskmaster rather the God described here -- filled with compassion, forgiveness, steadfast love and faithfulness -- the true God of the universe, abundant in grace and mercy!

So, let's move -- out of the Land of the God Won'ts and into the Land of the God Might Not -- but maybe even to the Land of the God Will, trusting that God will do His good work in us and bring forth the very best.

Let's Cook!

In this past month, there has been some cooking spurts -- yes, they only come in spurts :)

Here are some evidences ...

Beef with Asparagus -- quick and easy.

Moroccan Chicken on Farfalle -- inspired by time in Marseille, France :)

This one, I didn't make -- but thought I should include, given my previous attempt at making German food:

Jägerschnitzel "Cafe Berlin Art" -- Sautéed center cut of pork topped with a bacon and mushroom sauce, served over spätzle and seasonal vegetables @ Cafe Berlin -- very yummy.  Their spätzle was more noodle like compared to ours -- things to aspire to :)

Tamale Pie for 100 people!!!  After hearing about how the college years were so instrumental in the growth of some of the ladies in my small group, what a joy it is to be able to take part in supporting our church in the college ministry by serving lunch -- and very thankful for the helpers!

Sorry, forgot to take pictures on the day of the lunch -- but don't worry, small group ladies, we will do it again (since now that we've done it once and it wasn't as scary as I anticipated to cook for 100 ppl -- especially as many hands make lighter work)...

Help the Envious Heart!

This past week, I have been particularly struggling (more intensely than normal) with an envious heart as I looked around and saw how the Lord has blessed those around me with marriage and children -- found myself questioning why the Lord has not saw fit to provide me with those things.  I was frustrated that the Lord seemed to have answered the prayers of so many (and so quickly) and have seemingly forgotten about me.  Last night, as I was reading an article on idolatry, I thought to myself, "oh great, if they are idols, then the Lord will never give me those things" and felt that I was being punished.  In my anger, cried out to the Lord to just take away those desires so that I wouldn't struggle any more, especially if He was not going to fulfil them.  There is part of me that wants to follow the Lord and yet, at the same time, my heart was hard and unwilling to surrender -- I felt stuck and desperate for the Lord to rescue me.

This morning, I was led to reading Psalm 73.  It spoke to me -- the envious heart.  Here are some excerpts...

v.1  Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.  (Oh, no -- what about me, who is not pure in heart?)

v.2-3 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped.  For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.  (That is more like me.)

v.21-22 When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.


Here is the amazing thing...


v.23-24 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.


I pray that the Lord will make this the song in my heart...

v.25-26 Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


v. 27  But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.


If you are struggling with an envious heart on this day, you've got company.  Better yet, the Lord is STILL present to help us in our struggle.

A Privilege

Last night, our small group reviewed CJ's sermon on Jude 1-2 -- it was amazing to be reminded anew of the Lord's calling, loving and keeping of us.  We shared with one another the specific ways in which we were individually called -- and rescued from our mad career.  I was particularly struck by the reminder of God's love because I tend to view God as only "tolerating" me and have been seeing more clearly how this doubt of God's love leads to an absence of joy.  But God does love all of his children -- he chose us with much enthusiasm!  I AM LOVED BY THE FATHER!  I was also convicted by how I tend to look for reasons for God's love within me -- and often find it lacking -- which makes sense, although against my pride, that the only reason for God's love is Christ and that I am unworthy of His love -- it is purely by grace!  Please pray that I daily convinced of the love of my Heavenly Father that is founded in Christ and to know that those He called and loves, He will keep till the end!

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever.  Amen."  Jude 24-25.

This message calls for the singing of All I Have Is Christ (which we did, twice!)

After being told that there was more to CJ's message (delivered at the SBTS Collegiate Conference), I was on the search.  And I found another along with it -- a chapel message he gave on 1 Corinthians 4 -- also excellent.  I was struck by CJ's humility.  He called it a privilege that we get to read God's word and I was convicted that I don't approach God's word with that kind of gratitude, humility and reverence.  It is a privilege to be able to read God's word and to be able to understand it.  Please pray that I will be more and more amazed!

Where is our Hope?

Very blessed to be sitting under faithful preaching for 7+ years now.

This past Sunday, Mark ended his sermon pointing us to the hope that we Christians have because of Jesus's victory on the cross and on our behalf if we are his.  He shared Isaac Backus's 4 Observations on Suffering:

• manifold trials attend God's people in this world;
• these are sent because we have need of them -- to kill pride, to cure us of worldly-mindedness and love of the creature, to rouse us from our slough and to quicken our regard to eternal things;
• these temptations and sorrows continue but for a short season;
• in the midst of them, God gives His saints springs of great joy.

Reminded me of what we've been studying as a small group in 1 Peter ...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  1 Peter 1:3-8

The Best Valentine's Day Ever of 2011

What a joy to be able to share a fancy dinner with a group of amazing ladies!  (I wonder if part of this is my way of coping with the Low's absence and trying to mimic their fancy dinners.)

First thing, we need a menu...

Then, we need props...

 And most importantly...

... great company.

What's on the menu?

To start, Brushetta and Legumes de Saison (aka. salad)...

Main course: Steak de Boeuf accompagne d'Asperges (translated "beef steak accompanied with asparagus").

(First time making steak -- and trying out a reheating method that I googled -- so kind of dry, especially as I forgot to make a sauce to go with it). We'll do better next time. :)

To finish it off, Croustade aux Pommes a la Mode ("Apple Crisp Served Fashionably" -- with ice cream).

What is up with the big hearts?

My roommates recently watched Julie & Julia and have been fascinated with Julia Child ever since -- pretending we speak French around the house (well, Joyce can speak French -- the rest of us pretends).

The comedy does not end just because our guests have left -- it is not a show, we are in fact crazy :)

And here are some of the lovely ladies who share Monday evenings with me as we study God's Word together and pray for one another.  I am constantly amazed at how the Lord has knit our lives and hearts together in such a short time.  Thank you, Lord!
Love you all!

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

... especially when they are friends who have walked with you your entire Christian life.  The Lord has definitely blessed me with an amazing relationship with Claire, my dear friend, sister & confidant.  We have been there in our ups and our downs, praised the Lord for His faithfulness, prayed for one another with our hopes and used by the Lord to point and sharpen our mind and heart toward greater devotion to Christ.

Claire & I spent our last evening in DC together sharing a meal @ Lebanese Taverna where we ordered enough for 4 people and then drove around town trying to find a place for dessert and coffee that stays open after 10pm on a Tuesday night -- the only one we found after many tries was Busboys & Poets.

Until we meet again, we'll settle for virtual coffee dates :)

Pictures stolen from the Low's blog :)

Quote for Rebekah Tooley

In honor of my dear, sweet friend, Rebekah Tooley, who sought me out last night and blessed me with a date, here's a quote I came across this morning (she loves quotes).

"The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much." -- John Calvin

Thank you for loving me, friend.

Schweinekoteletts mit Apfeln und Zwiebeln

Aka: Sauteed Pork Chops with Onions and Apples (apparently pork is one of the more popular meat in Germany)

... served with homemade Spatzle.  Quite delightful.
Reminded me of the time I made smothered pork chops and used cider vinegar instead of apple cider :(  And my small group was so gracious to eat it.  It was only afterward when I was wondering what was wrong with the recipe that I realized it was because I can't read properly :)

Noodles on 11

Today, I tried out this new restaurant near my work, Noodles on 11.  Interestingly, it is opened by the owner of the two restaurants sandwiching this one -- HaadThai and SushiAoi.  Guess what -- you can actually get pho from this place.  I was choosing between pho, wontons with noodles, or dry noodles with soup on the side -- I went for the last one with roast pork, thinking that this way, I can probably make two meals out of it (it is expensive to be buying lunch around here -- I can eat away all my wages).  But, I ate the whole thing :)  The noodles were crunchy and the soup was not bad.  The roast pork was also ok -- though I've had tastier and the color was coming off (I wonder how they make roast pork where the coloring doesn't do that...)

Sunrise

This morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise.

The picture from my window just doesn't do it justice.  As I was enjoying the view, I was reminded of how it used to be a norm for me to be seeing the sunrise as I head out to work or arriving at work (since I used to get to work at around 7:10am, having been out of the house since 6:15am or so).  During those five years, there has been times when I would enjoy the various shades of a beautiful sunrise and also times when I just wished I was still in bed.  And now, to think that I'm getting up at around 7am -- what a change!  Although I don't have the built-in consistency of seeing the sun rise every morning and miss various aspects of my "former life," how gracious of the Lord to give me this season where I can sleep for longer stretches of time, not having to think about work for the most part when I'm not at work, being able to take part in so many other things and not be constantly exhausted from August to June.

Mark challenged us in his sermon this past Sunday to trust in the Lord without having to know all the specifics in our lives and to trust in the Lord with our uncertainties.  I definitely have a hard time in that -- I want to know everything and I want to be the one in control.  May 2011 be a year where I learn to trust the Lord for His plans and provisions every day He gives me on this side of heaven!

Cooking Therapy

Cooking is therapeutic for me -- there is just something about mindless chopping, following a recipe and working toward a finished product that lifts up my mood.  And I just enjoy it in general -- whether it is trying a new recipe or repeating an old one.

Recently, on a spontaneous day off, I made Tuscan White Bean Soup with Italian Sweet Sausage for the 2nd time (this time without having to substitute canned beans).

I've also made pecan pie for the very first time!

Now, if you are going to spend about 1 hr making one pie, might as well spend 1.5 hr to make four, right?  It makes sense in the economy of time.  :)

(One has already been eaten at the time photo was taken...)

New Year Morning in DC

New Year's morning was pretty quiet here in DC.  If it weren't for the fact that I've agreed to go into work for a little bit today, I'd probably be home sleeping in myself.  But it is nice to walk through what is normally a very busy part of town and to be able to enjoy the uncommon stillness of the city.  So, I decided to take some pictures of Union Station while I strolled by ...

The Christmas tree and trains were still on display inside...

Reflections of 2010 and Hopes for 2011

2010 has definitely been one of the more challenging years walking with the Lord.  During this year, I've struggled with despair and distrust of the Lord more than ever before and for the longest extent of time.  In short, "trust in the Lord" has taken more weight and meaning -- I've never realized how hard it actually is to trust in the Lord when the rubber meets and road and how I am incapable to do just that with my own might alone.  Sadly, there has been many times when I found myself being angry with the Lord and doubted His love and care just because He did not carry out my plans for my life.  Sometimes, I found myself questioning why the Lord seems so slow to deliver me from my despair -- or even why He would allow me to stay in the valley (or desert -- whichever analogy might be more preferable).  I've wanted the Lord to spare me of trials rather than to carry me and refine me through trials -- the former of which the Lord never promised and the latter of which He is always faithful to do.  In the midst of my struggles, one of the most comforting thing was the recognition and reminder that my helplessness to "dig myself out" and to change the condition of my depressed heart points to the reality that any faith that I do have comes from the Lord and that apart from the Lord pursuing me in love, I would have never chosen to love the Lord.  I've also learned that the Lord is a lot more patient in carefully working in my heart than I am.  In one of Paul D. Tripp's analogy, I go for the wrecking ball approach to remodel whereas the Lord goes for the small chisel for restoration.  And just like the conditions of the grumbling Israelites, the Lord has been providing me manna the entire way through -- it is just that I am too blinded to see it or unable to appreciate the many good gifts that the Lord has blessed me with during this past year.  So, here are just a few examples...

• The Lord has blessed me with many (and I do mean many) friends (both big friends and little friends) who are constantly showering me with their loving care -- in their prayer, emails/notes, coffee/breakfast/lunch/dinner get togethers, making me a part of their family, housed me, gave me hugs, thoughtful gifts, and most recently a trip to Singapore in the near future.  They have tirelessly cheered me on in my walk and cried with me along the way.

• The Lord has given me a season of less stressful work.  This year, I've also transitioned out of a demanding teaching position with a long commute to an "easy", more contained job where I can use public transportation.  This transition has allowed me to sleep more, be less stressed overall, be able to participate more consistently in ministry opportunities and in the general life of the church that I would have been otherwise hesitant to take part in due to time.  It has also been exciting to work in a secular setting where a Christian culture is not as easily taken for granted since it is not the norm.
• The Lord has given me the opportunity to go on a short-term missions trip through the generous support of our church.  It is exciting to take part in kingdom work in an area where the gospel witness is close to none.  It also helps in me thinking through how I might invest in overseas work long term.  The Lord has also blessed me with elders and friends in my life to help me think through and pray about such a possibility.  I have also seen the Lord given me more opportunities and grown me in evangelism.
• This year, I got the privilege of celebrating with many friends as some got engaged, some got married, some became parents for the very first time, and some watching their kids grow up.  And though these are also times I am tempted to envy, the Lord has been kind not only to allow me to take part in these blessings but also using it to help me practice trusting and finding joy and hope in Him.  What a blessing it is to be able to take part in the lives of my friends in these ways.  
• The Lord continues to provide for me with food on the table and a roof over my head -- there has not been a day when that has not been true.  The Lord has provided even in ways that I have not expected.

Our God is gracious beyond measure.  One of the things that have been impressed upon me lately has been how I often so easily overlooked God's blessings in my life because I can be so fixated on what He has not given me and all the things that are not what I want them to be, and therefore, unable to enjoy the present.  I pray that in 2011, I will learn more of what it means to live with joy in the Lord for every blessing every moment of life that He gives me; that I would not rush on to the "next season" but be able to appreciate the current season and be grateful for the Lord's provision; that I might grow in my trust for the Lord loving kindness and be confident of His future mercies.