2010 has definitely been one of the more challenging years walking with the Lord. During this year, I've struggled with despair and distrust of the Lord more than ever before and for the longest extent of time. In short, "trust in the Lord" has taken more weight and meaning -- I've never realized how hard it actually is to trust in the Lord when the rubber meets and road and how I am incapable to do just that with my own might alone. Sadly, there has been many times when I found myself being angry with the Lord and doubted His love and care just because He did not carry out my plans for my life. Sometimes, I found myself questioning why the Lord seems so slow to deliver me from my despair -- or even why He would allow me to stay in the valley (or desert -- whichever analogy might be more preferable). I've wanted the Lord to spare me of trials rather than to carry me and refine me through trials -- the former of which the Lord never promised and the latter of which He is always faithful to do. In the midst of my struggles, one of the most comforting thing was the recognition and reminder that my helplessness to "dig myself out" and to change the condition of my depressed heart points to the reality that any faith that I do have comes from the Lord and that apart from the Lord pursuing me in love, I would have never chosen to love the Lord. I've also learned that the Lord is a lot more patient in carefully working in my heart than I am. In one of Paul D. Tripp's analogy, I go for the wrecking ball approach to remodel whereas the Lord goes for the small chisel for restoration. And just like the conditions of the grumbling Israelites, the Lord has been providing me manna the entire way through -- it is just that I am too blinded to see it or unable to appreciate the many good gifts that the Lord has blessed me with during this past year. So, here are just a few examples...
- The Lord has blessed me with many (and I do mean many) friends (both big friends and little friends) who are constantly showering me with their loving care -- in their prayer, emails/notes, coffee/breakfast/lunch/dinner get togethers, making me a part of their family, housed me, gave me hugs, thoughtful gifts, and most recently a trip to Singapore in the near future. They have tirelessly cheered me on in my walk and cried with me along the way.
- The Lord has given me a season of less stressful work. This year, I've also transitioned out of a demanding teaching position with a long commute to an "easy", more contained job where I can use public transportation. This transition has allowed me to sleep more, be less stressed overall, be able to participate more consistently in ministry opportunities and in the general life of the church that I would have been otherwise hesitant to take part in due to time. It has also been exciting to work in a secular setting where a Christian culture is not as easily taken for granted since it is not the norm.
- The Lord has given me the opportunity to go on a short-term missions trip through the generous support of our church. It is exciting to take part in kingdom work in an area where the gospel witness is close to none. It also helps in me thinking through how I might invest in overseas work long term. The Lord has also blessed me with elders and friends in my life to help me think through and pray about such a possibility. I have also seen the Lord given me more opportunities and grown me in evangelism.
- This year, I got the privilege of celebrating with many friends as some got engaged, some got married, some became parents for the very first time, and some watching their kids grow up. And though these are also times I am tempted to envy, the Lord has been kind not only to allow me to take part in these blessings but also using it to help me practice trusting and finding joy and hope in Him. What a blessing it is to be able to take part in the lives of my friends in these ways.
- The Lord continues to provide for me with food on the table and a roof over my head -- there has not been a day when that has not been true. The Lord has provided even in ways that I have not expected.
Our God is gracious beyond measure. One of the things that have been impressed upon me lately has been how I often so easily overlooked God's blessings in my life because I can be so fixated on what He has not given me and all the things that are not what I want them to be, and therefore, unable to enjoy the present. I pray that in 2011, I will learn more of what it means to live with joy in the Lord for every blessing every moment of life that He gives me; that I would not rush on to the "next season" but be able to appreciate the current season and be grateful for the Lord's provision; that I might grow in my trust for the Lord loving kindness and be confident of His future mercies.
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